It is common for young people especially, but not only them, to be accused of wanting everything. “How dare you want to have everything” some people say. They almost seem to say: how dare you want to have everything when we have made so many sacrifices for you to live in this world”. It’s true that in previous generations, the idea of self-sacrifice for the sake of others was tremendously praised. The new generations seem to abandon this idea for what appears to be a lot of self-indulgence and hedonistic behavior. However, self-sacrificing, as well as assuming you cannot have everything are part of misconceptions and misunderstandings of the processes involved in modern life and especially of how this differs from the lives our parents and grandparents experienced.
First of all, I would argue that we don’t really want to have everything. We generally refuse and say no to many things. The more we explore, the more things we will say no to. We want all the things that matter to us and these are more likely to be a very selective few rather than everything out there. Many people confuse exploration and development with the resolution to whatever problem we are aiming to solve or search for. It’s true that while people are exploring, they tend to try out everything. However, that is just a phase in a decision-making process and not the resolution or any of the solutions to the fundamental problems we are trying to solve.
I would personally choose to see people wanting to experience many kinds of relationships, different jobs, to explore a huge variety of domains for self development as part of A Process. The more complex the world around us is, the longer the time needed for this exploration. What to our grandparents was a few years of being “young” and exploring the world, nowadays corresponds to decades simply because there is so much more to explore. When the time comes, people will have a pretty clear idea of which things are important to them. But until they do, we need to stop shaming them and shaming ourselves for wanting to explore and for exploring until we are 40, 50 or 60 and beyond.
Seeing things as a big social decision-making process
The world we live in is changing at a much faster pace than it was in the generation of our grandparents and even parents. A lot of it is due to developments in not only technology, but psychology, sociology, relationships, ethics, politics, economics and so on. Our grandparents needed 8 years of schooling to function in society, our parents needed 14 years of schooling. We need on average about 18 years of schooling nowadays to understand only the basics of how society functions. After that, the exploration and personal development begins. It can last for decades, even if this goes against the economic needs to get people faster into the labor market and have them shoulder into production.
On the other hand, when we do figure out which are the 5 or 20 or 100 important things in our life, those things for which we don’t want to make any compromises, that should be the moment to want it all. It should be the moment to get creative about finding ways and inventing new manners to have all those things. That does not mean that we want everything, but it does mean that we want those things that are important to us. More importantly, I would hope that people get to this point without having their dreams crushed by limiting beliefs, self-censorship and other means to decrease ones’ potential. I should hope.
The fundamental problems of human societies have been with us for centuries. At each stage of human evolution societies and individuals have tried to find solutions for them, in more or less conscious ways. In general, societies instate social institutions for those matters for which coordination is necessary . The institution of self-sacrifice is one of them and so is the institution of “you cannot have everything”.
I’d like to believe that we have finally reached the stage at which once we finally figure out what is important, we can start searching for a solution to have them all. In this generation we should learn how to create a life that fits and welcomes all the important things. Moreover, we should learn to do so together. Social institutions work in general to weight, emphasize, de-emphasize, hide and highlight some options to this hands-on challenge. A deep understanding of how societies do this and what are the previous solutions to the fundamental problems are needed in order to find new ways. Clearly, otherwise, we risk re-inventing the wheel, but also repeating patterns that have already played out.
If we choose to pursue such a study, it will be the point in which we can understand that our parents and grandparents have solved these problems by either ignoring or “cutting” parts of themselves. We should honor their experience because it tells us what happens when we do that. Understanding that we will continue to live even if we do the same as they did, is important. So is understanding that we can alternatively find new ways to solve these fundamental problems differently. In fact, it is tremendously important.
Our current social decision-making challenge
Sometimes, however, societies exert pressure on individual freedom to avoid exploring such ways. This is the case of totalitarian regimes, fundamentalist religions and even democratic regimes. They assume there is no other way to handle politics than the rule of one over the other, of Gods over all and of the majority over the minority.
Luckily, we are living times in which participation, inclusiveness, diversity and collective decision-making methods are being used in ways that try to dismantle the tyranny of the “power over”. The emergence of ideas such as “power with” instead of “power over” allows us to think of each person as important and worthy of being. And it offer solutions through participative social institutions.
Even if these institutions are only at the beginning of their conception and there is a long way to go for their application, being aware that they exist and understanding the place they have in human evolution are key. They serve an important role in sorting out the fundamental problems of humanity. Their understanding is crucial for exploring them as potential solutions, rather than seeing them as evil ways to provoke chaos.
People need to understand:
- which problems society is trying to solve,
- how “we” have tried to solve them in the past,
- what solutions “we” are trying on at the present moment,
- but also understand that the process will be repeated with every generation as societies evolve and get better at finding new solutions.
Some people will be happy with the status quo – just as some people were happy with patriarchy or totalitarian regimes, for example, and every kind of solution that societies have ever tried in order to sort out some of their problems. Other people will be very unhappy with the status quo, while some will initially be happy and then realize it does not work for them.
What does it mean to have it all?
Having it all therefore, does not mean having everything there is, but having all the things that matter to you and mindfully working towards finding and being open to new ways of incorporating them into your life. No one should shame you for trying to find and for exploring different ways to incorporate these things in your life. And the best way to go about this is to see all of it as a process and understand at which step you find yourself within it.
